


i'm sorry

by chopped_up_ham



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Universe, ghost connor woops, just sorta wistful i guess??, mentions of zoevan but just mentioned, not sad either, post-musical, this aint happy folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 05:23:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11867631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopped_up_ham/pseuds/chopped_up_ham
Summary: When Evan Hansen opened the door, the last person he expected to see was Connor Murphy.





	i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> put some calming music to set the mood lol.
> 
> also title is subject to change lol. idk how to name this thing. its better than 'closure' (the original title) but idk how to name it in general??

The house was calm, not a single rustle heard in the distance. Evan looked out of the window, the rising sun painting lighter shades of grey against the dark sky. Evan untangled his legs from his blankets, staring at the open window.

The silence was broken by someone knocking on the door downstairs.

He swung his legs to the side on the bed. He stood up, walked to the door and opened it.

The last person he expected to see was Connor Murphy.

Evan was shook out of his stupor.

"C-Connor?" Was the first thing that came out of Evan's mouth. Then came the thoughts of, _Is he haunting me? Why can I see him?_ simultaneously, there were the thoughts of _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry- -_

"Fucking hell, Hansen. Your thoughts are too loud." Connor's eyes were grey. His eyelids drooped in a way that Evan could discern that he was tired.

In that moment, Evan understood.

"Sorry." He mumbled out, staring at the ground. "Errr, come in."

He walked back a couple steps to let Connor in. Connor walked in, his shoulders hunched. Evan absentmindendly took note of the way that his feet never met the floor.

The walls were grey, any kind of design absent. By the walls, there were empty cabinets. Portraits were hung on the walls and placed on top of the cabinets. There was an open window on the left. In the middle, there was a circular table and two chairs were pulled out for them.

Evan took one seat and Connor took the other.

"I'm sorry." Evan's voice rung throughout the room.

Connor's expression didn't change. There were a few minutes of silence. He looked tired as he looked out at the window. The sun was higher now, stark white against the different hues of grey. The beams of light didn't hit his face.

"I was mad at first, you know." Connor said quietly, turning back to Evan.

"B-But that's-that's not why you're here." Evan said, taking a leap of faith.

Connor smiled. His eyelids drooped and his eyes lacked any sheen.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm not here to antagonize you. Checked that off the bucket list, I think." He laughed bitterly.

"I'm sorry." Evan said again. Because really, how can he _not_ be sorry?

"Stop apologizing Hansen, what the hell." He chuckled. "It's not your fault. I had it a long time coming."

Connor tried to look tough but his illusion was falling at the seams. He looked hurt, vulnerable and in pain.

"St-Still. It's just- " Evan fumbled for words.

"Pitiful?" Connor shrugged. "Yeah, it is. But everything's said and done, in the end."

Connor still looked sorrowful.

"Just, fuck. This isn't about me, okay? It's about you." Connor took a deep breath to recompose himself.

There was a beat of silence.

"I'm giving you closure."

Another beat.

"I'm telling you that I forgive you because everything's already said and done. It's not okay, because it will never be okay, no matter what your reasoning is. But I forgive you, and there's that."

Evan felt his throat closing up. His heart was squeezed and he can't keep eye contact with Connor.

Connor looked uncomfortable, but he cleared his throat and continued.

"And Mom, Dad, Zoe- well-well they love you. It's going to be a long time before they'll be able to talk to you, but they love you. Especially Zoe. She really loved you, you know? They'll probably eventually talk to you." There was a hint of protectiveness in his tone. He was, after all, Zoe's older brother. At the same time, he sounded a little bitter.

It was silent again. Evan was wiping away his tears, his head bowed down to hide himself.

"Thanks." Evan said thickly. A few minutes of silence trickled by, the silence broken by Evan's sniffles. "I-I really am sorry, I love them. I really did- _do._ "

He looked up, studying Connor's expression. He looked pained and a little lost.

"They wanted you to stay." Evan recollected himself, somewhat, if not just enough for him to stop crying.

Connor looked like a knife was twisted into his chest.

"Life was better off without me, Hansen." He faced the window. His skin was pale grey, contrasting his dark hair. His jacket was black, almost like a void.

"They miss you. Zoe and Larry still love you, beneath everything else. Cynthia loves you too. So much." Evan pleaded with him, although they both knew it was a lost case.

"Stop."

Silence.

"Just. Not now, Hansen. Please." Connor sagged against his chair, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry." Evan said.

The sun steadily rose outside. The grey started giving way into other colors, Connor the only one not changing. It was almost painful as reality seeped in.

Connor seemed tired.

"I am, too."

Connor started to fade. Evan didn't stop the silent drops of tears that fell from his face. He watched as Connor slowly disappeared from existence, unable to do anything.

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah
> 
> comments would be appreciated?
> 
> because i dont know how this turned out to me tbh
> 
> i was going for a certain atmosphere i guess???


End file.
